LETTERS: Cable company

Dear 877-blahblahblah-something something something Optimum cable,

I know you're probably just psyched I spelled your name right (and P.S. I didn't). Optimum? Optimal? Optic fcking nerves blowing up in my head? STOP THAT COMMERCIAL RIGHT NOW.

Lucky for me I know how to write a proper business letter, so that I can scribe this one to you now and make it effective.

At the risk of humiliating myself and my forefathers (and mothers), you need to know something irregardless. When your commercial comes on the air, I TURN THE TV OFF. Yeah, I don't even "mute" it and divert my attention otherwise. I don't raise the volume on the new hot song playing on my computer. I don't change the channel to see what Rachael Ray wants me to cook in 5 minutes or less. NO. I have to turn it off. I'm in the middle of watching a pointless youtube flick, and I literally stand up, walk allllllll the way across the room, and shut the TV off, just so I do not have to listen to your commercial for the a thousand billionth time. And yes, that's a real number.

I don't want to hear all that crap about how TV is bad for me, blahblahblah. I know it is. Why else would I watch it? But if I'm going to be properly inundated with product endorsements and propaganda that I pretend to believe I think I agree with, then at LEAST make it a good commercial! Your song (or jingle or whatever) is worse than a Mariah Carey ballad at Christmas. It's worse than some 6 year old kid who wants to be famous and belts it out for guest judge Sharon Osbourne. Your commercial is so bad it makes my cat bark. Your commercial is so bad it makes me think Vanna White is my hero.

Ever read a book called The Tipping Point? Yes? No? Yes? The point, my FRIEND(z), is not to make your audience tip over in their chair because they think they are going to go insane if they hear your commercial one more time during a Tyra B. rerun. Girl, I am trying to learn how to strike it fierce, and you are ruining my runway walk practice time.

So. In conclusion. Stop airing that commercial. So that I can return to being the passive, complacent television watching viewer that I've always been.

Gracias.
And good night.