Story: Announcements

Monologue for Male, 20/30
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Hello?...
Testing?...

Can you guys hear me? Feinberg? Can you hear me? Yo! Feinberg! You're not gonna get her number man, so please do a mic check for me, will ya? ....Thanks, buddy, I owe you one. So does she.

OK, so hey! Hey everyone. How are you doing tonight? Welcome to tonight's synagogue soirée. Our annual fiesta. The summer's end rooftop gala at Congregation Beit Ahava for the kids of the house. Casa De Love, as I like to call it. The one event where we young Jews actually get to bust it out with or without our yalmukas, depending on your preference, whatever that may be. We'll love you just the same.

...Seriously, Feinberg, you're not gonna get her number, let the poor girl get back to her friends. She came with, like, 10 of them so guys like you wouldn't talk to her.

Where was I? So, Miri is in Israel today, as many of you know, doing something with, Ethiopians? No? Palestinians? No? ...what was it again? Her cousin's getting married? Daniel, why is she there? ....OK, apparently no one knows. But does it matter? No, it does not. What matters is yours truly was asked to fill in for her as the "end-of-evening-announcements" MC. And again, once again, I apologize for my public statements at last month's Shabbaton. Like I said, I did not realize the Torah was miked, so I certainly would not have... Anyway, Ben, thanks for giving me another shot, for thinking of me. Really, it's an honor. I haven't had this many eyes on me since my bris, so thanks. Did that just make everyone look at my nether regions? Alana, I saw you peaking, eyes up young lady. Don't worry, it was a success.

So, let's see what is on the agenda.... Before I get to that, in a minute, I have to say, you all look beautiful tonight. Honestly. Some real lookers out there. You know who you are. Hotties in the house of God, that's what I like to see. J-date live, I call this. Look at all of you. Show of hands, how many of you like staying in for a blockbuster night AND going out on the town? Come on, I know you're out there. Ladies, ladies, tell me, does this count as one of those nights when you opted to wear heels as opposed to your sneakers? Was that tonight's choice? Because I've read your J-date profiles, and you're always talking about how you're the kind of girl who can wear heels AND sneakers, and I'm just throwing it out there, just a suggestion, you might not want to wear those heels to a Jewish singles mixer. Ladies, look around you. We are a vertically challenged people. Please, please be kind and put on the flats. Thank you, I always wanted to say that.

.....What? I'm getting to it, Shlomie, hold your tzitzi's. So, what's on the list of upcoming events this Fall?.... Oh, one more thing...Hanni....you look great tonight, honey. Really. I tried talking to you by the cous-cous but you ignored me, so I thought I would take advantage of my volumized voice and give you a shout out. Look at that folks, she's still ignoring me.

Moshe, again, great tie. I like the way you tucked it into your pants. That's money. Really, man. OK, back to the topic at hand.

Fall events. Ah! Here's a good one. September 8th, Dov and the gang are planning a wine and cheese soire. 5 pm at Sips on Delancey street. That sounds hot. Nothing like learning, drinking and nibbling at the same time to make the chosen people come out of the woodwork. What else? The Sukkah Swing is coming up! Who doesn't love the Sukkah Swing. Shake it like a lulav, ladies... Hey! I heard last year someone under the age of 45 showed up, so things are looking up. See girls, and you said all the good ones were taken.

...What? Ok, fine, fine. I'm being told to hurry it up. The benchers are being passed around, so that means you know what time it is... Last call! That's right, yeladim. Everyone to the Manishevitz table for a Dixie cup. This is your last chance to ask that cutie with the chamsa what's she's doing for Shabbos next week. I'll tell you what she's not doing, holding your hamotzi. Yeah, I'm talking to you Feinberg, give it up. Ladies, the man is hung like a mezzuzah, someone be kind to the boy tonight.

...OK, OK, I'm out. Party at Shlomo's house Tuesday night. That's not on the events list, I'm just throwing it out there. Bring your sister and all your sister's friends. Just please, whatever you do, don't invite Shlomo. Thank you New York, I'll be here all week.