Life: Saying Goodbye

I haven't written here in a really long time. Mostly, or rather, entirely, because of the last post I had placed on here. It just sort of worked out that way. I was writing about cooking and posted a photo of my sweet cat who was laying on my desk watching me write down ingredients in my notebook.

I didn't know then that it would be one of the last photos I'd take of her.

Four days later, she died.

A little while after that, I was about to write something silly in here about whatever, when I noticed the photo. My heart jumped. I just couldn't write anything. It was almost like I wanted to preserve something intangible - that feeling of innocence that comes with loving something so much you assume that love will be with you forever.

And just now, recalling an unplanned conversation I had yesterday with someone about what it was like to lose her, I realized I was ready to write again. But I wanted it to be about loss. And not because I wanted it to be depressing. But because very soon after she died, I immediately turned to the Internet to find something, anything, that anyone else had written about what it feels like to loose a pet. I was so unprepared for this. And it almost feels embarrassing to have to explain to non-pet people how sad you feel. You expect them to not understand. It's almost like you have to preface everything with, "I know she was just a cat, but..."

But pet-people understand. So, if you're someone who winds up here after googling a similar loss, I hope my little essay helps you through your sadness. Just like stories that people wrote about their pets once helped me.

Bella was a one of a kind. She was with me for seven years. Long enough to become a friend, brief enough to feel like we were interrupted.

She was with me through bad break-ups, big moves, scary thunderstorms, and sleepless nights. She greeted me at the door meowing like she had been desperately waiting to tell me all about her day. She tried to stop me from leaving in the morning. She smiled for the camera and ate chic-peas. She hated cats, but forgave dogs. She traveled. She had such a sweet face and I think if she were a real girl she might have been prettier than me. She was wary of any boy I brought home. As she got older, she never became a lap cat. But she had this uncanny ability to show up on my pillow anytime she heard me cry. When she was a kitten she used to crawl into the refrigerator. I once tried to teach her a lesson about that and closed the door behind her. Ten minutes later, I realized I had forgotten she was still in there! But she was OK and happy to talk about it as soon as I let her out. Sometimes she ate out of a can with her paw, like it was a spoon. She made my Dad laugh and he always used to say that he never saw a cat who loved a human as much as she loved me. She followed me from room to room. In any photo you see of me in my apartment, she's a few inches behind me. Sometimes we'd both annoy one another. Then we'd make up and she'd fall into my arms and purr.

One day I came home and something wasn't right at all. Not at all. I called my sister and said I should probably take her to the vet tomorrow. But Sis was alarmed and said I should take her to the ER right away.

So maybe it was 8 or 9 o'clock at night when I put her in the car and found an animal ER 20 minutes from my home that was open all night. She didn't meow once the whole drive. I kept calling her name to make sure she was responsive.

In the sterile, white and metal room, I waited expectantly for the doctor to tell me that she had some weird acid reflux or some really big hair ball. I waited for it and my heart started fluttering. But he knelt down on one knee and called me Mom.

"Mom," he said, "We're lucky if she makes it through the night."

Here I was, with this stranger, in a room that I didn't even know had existed an hour earlier, suddenly bawling my eyes out. Sobbing. Holding on to the examining table like a life preserver, at the cusp of a moment I hadn't been remotely prepared to face.

He showed me the x-rays, pointing out how a tumor had burst and filled her abdomen. He said they quickly put her on an IV with medicine and she would not be in pain. But she would be very, very tired. They let me see her and she looked so sad.

Into the night, I made phone calls. First to my sister. Then to my parents. Then to my co-workers, to let them know I wouldn't be in tomorrow, because (I explained, as I choked back the tears that were still flowing out of me), I now had to put my cat to sleep. I called friends and anyone I could think of who had known her. Suddenly it seemed like that was the most obvious way I could honor her short life, to have people think of her name and say a little prayer. I wrote emails to people I hadn't spoken to in years, simply because they had once met her and I wanted them to know that her life was ending.

You see, this is the moment when it starts to feel like you have to preface things. You have to say, "I know she's just a cat, but..."

But the truth is, a pet, whom you've cared for, played with, looked out for, any number of years, begins to feel like a friend. Especially in my case, as a single girl, living on my own, making my way in this world with my own two hands, having a sweet little thing to come home to at the end of the day was the greatest gift. To loose her was like going from 2 to 1. It was like a piece of home had evaporated.

The next morning we said goodbye. I wasn't alone. My family came to be with me, to stand in the room with her. My dad, as he promised, stroked her head while I cried into my mother's arms a few inches away, too sad to bear witness to the loss of love. I wanted to be brave enough to hold her until the end. I wanted to so much. But it was unbearable. It was heart-breaking. I will forever be grateful that my dad was her hero that day, and that the doctor was the kindest man you could hope to meet. These two men stood by her, stroking her soft gray fur, guiding her peacefully into another place.

--

Since then, it's been sad. But it also eventually shifts into something else. Like all losses, you find solace and smile once again. I have come up with some really creative ways to hold on to all the memories I had of our time together, and that has been the biggest help. If I could suggest anything, it would be to ignore anyone who doesn't understand the feelings of loss. But talk to the friends who do. Collect your photos and make a book telling the story of your pet's life. Expect to discover an immediate bond with anyone else who has gone through the same thing. Don't worry about when or if to get another pet. Brush off your frustrations with anyone who asks when you'll get another one. Just let time pass and allow your feelings to heal.

And yes. There will always be a loss. It will always feel like your story with your pet came to an end sooner than you expected. No matter how old they are.

But pets are much better at embracing the fullness of life than humans are. So if they were loved, cared for, played with, and adored, then their life was a good one. Better than good. Especially because they shared it with you.

Be proud of those memories and let them make you smile.

Because that is how you keep love alive forever.

COOKED: Tomato Basil Cream Pasta

Thanks to a beautiful photograph of her Tomato Basil Cream Pasta over at Vegan Yum Yum, I was inspired to make this delicious dish for dinner tonight.

But the reason I was most excited about it was because it was going to be the first time I would use my new food processor!

Kitten kept me company by lying on top of my to-do list, as I researched all the ingredients I would need.

Do you know how crazy the Internet is? One part of the recipe called for "coring the tomato". Huh? I didn't know what that meant. So I just googled it, and within seconds I came across a guy's website where he had an actual video of himself coring a tomato, explaining how to do it. Guess what? Not hard at all. Guess what? If I was Laura Ingalls, living in Prairie days, and I didn't know how to core a tomato, I'd have to run 3 miles over to Nellie Olsen's house, and see if Mrs. Olsen could give me a quick lesson in her kitchen. And then run all the way home so as to get supper ready in time before Pa came home from the Mill. I am so glad I don't live in Prairie days!

So the recipe title for this dish actually included the phrase, "Super Quick". Ha. Yeah, maybe not so much. But it was still really fun to make. It probably took an hour.

And Mom, the FP worked great! I even shot a video of it so you could enjoy the fruits of our labor...

What did I mix up in there?? Hmm, 1 large tomato, cashews, a little water, tomato paste. It worked so well and I was so excited! Later on, the recipe says to add a handful of chopped basil. Well, no problem! I just traded out the big bowl for the little bowl with the little blade, and chopped that basil right up in no time. I'm so glad we chose the FP with all the extra bowls, it was such a time saver, because I kept exchanging one for the other.

Final product

So, the dish turned out utterly delightful. I even decided to make steamed greens with sauteed almonds (a la Mom), which were perfect.



Now, if only someone could help me with the last task!

COOKED: No-wheat Chocolate Chip cookies

I made these!

RECIPE: Veganomicon, page 237


A few notes:


1. Instead of wheat flour, you use oat flour. I still had some left over from the veggie-burger fiesta.

2. I was sans brown-sugar, and it called for a quarter cup of that, in addition to regular granulated sugar (half cup). So I substituted the brown sugar with Agave. Somewhere online I read that if you use Agave instead of sugar, you should add a quarter cup extra of flour because Agave is liquid. So I did that.

3. Mom, you gave me the extra sifter you had in the house. But it was so annoying to use! Is it just the way sifters are, or is this one outdated? I poured all of the flour (plus baking powder and salt) into it at once and started sifting. But in a minute, my hand started hurting, and no flour was coming out of the bottom of the sifter. So I started hitting it against the side like I remember you doing, but it just felt awkward. Eventually, I poured it out and started putting the flour back in the sifter in much smaller portions. I had to keep shaking it and hitting it in order for it come out. Am I not getting something about sifters? (feel free to leave a comment if you know the answer).

4. It seems to be a trend for me that anything I cook will always be more liquidy than expected. It was probably because of the Agave. So when I used a tablespoon to glop out the cookie portions on the tray, it spread a little wider than I think it was supposed to.

5. The recipe called for flax seeds. Which I have. But today I learned that flax seeds are worthless unless you grind them up. And I don't have a coffee grinder, which most people say they use for this purpose. And I didn't feel like the food processor would be that economical for just a tablespoon of ground flax seeds. So I left it out of the recipe this time. I will buy pre-ground flax seed powder at the supermarket. And give this bag to Dad, who does have a grinder, and will be happy to add these to his smoothies.

END RESULT: I think they're pretty good! I might have let them bake too long. They turned out pretty flat, not moist and fluffy. I don't know what was supposed to happen, really. But I'll bring them to work tomorrow and see what people say.

News: Let's All Agree

You don't need me to tell you who to vote for.

If you weren't swayed by one of the pep rallies that aired this month (I'm sorry, I mean "conventions"), then I sure as heck ain't gonna sway you.

I promised my sponsors that I wouldn't endorse one candidate over the other on this blog, and I'm a gal who keeps her word. However, I will say this. If you are voting for a candidate whose last name rhymes with Insane, then we are probably not sitting at the same lunch table in the cafeteria.

But that's OK. Because the one thing that we can all agree on fer shure, is that this presidential race is HISTORIC. Or, as the case may be, HERSTORIC.

Never before have we had the names of a [ed note: insert politically correct gender term] and a [ed note: insert politically correct ethnic term] in the same voting booth. How bout that? Way to go USA!

It got me thinking, which other dynamic duos is this world ready for? Who's missing from this ticket that should definitely represent at the next election?

Well, since you asked so nicely, I'll give you the list of duos who deserve their moment in the political sun:

1. A Jewish guy in a wheelchair, versus an Asian woman with a Texan accent.

2. An Hispanic lesbian, versus a gay Native American.

3. A reality star whose slogan will be, "I didn't come here to make friends", versus a Scientologist.

4. An x-child star whose rehab stint was already chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the 80's, versus Tracy Gold.

5. An actor whose credentials include, "playing a president on TV", versus the guy who invented Facebook.

6. Snoop Dog, versus Elliot Spitzer.

7. Anyone under the age of 30, versus a bald guy.

8. Chelsea Clinton, versus Ivanka Trump.

9. Judge Judy, versus Dr. Phil.

10. A moose-hunting PTA hockey mom, versus the guy who starred in Bedtime For Bonzo.

Life: Like an enzyme, I'm breaking down

I was in the supermarket today, and I got really, really upset.

I wanted to buy a green pepper. But they looked a little under the weather. Then I noticed they weren't organic. But the only place to buy organic green peppers was about a 15 minute drive away. That would mean more gas emissions. Then I started recalling some article I read about how certain colored vegetables are better than others. I couldn't remember which one. Was it white vegetables (cauliflower)? Or green ones? Or orange ones (carrots)? Or, was it not specific colors that mattered, but an array of colors, like a rainbow, that I was supposed to be ingesting?

I suddenly felt so fed up and frustrated.

Plus, I had once again forgotten my "save the trees" tote bag, and so would have to accept plastic again.

This was getting to me. All this pressure to stay healthy, keep the world safe, recycle, stay local, boycott, fight for the underdog, stock my trunk with tote bags, fill my fridge with non-soy products. I can't take it! These things are supposed to be done for our well-being and the greater good. But keeping track of all of it is a full-time job.

At first I was really excited when I made it a priority to start living more consciously. I embraced it totally. It was like the flood gates opened and I dove in head first.

Now, I feel like I'm standing in the middle of supermarket, starving, holding a wimpy green pepper, thinking about how there are so many ways I could have made better purchasing, sustainable, and economy supportive decisions in the process of making my silly little salad.

So, I guess, for purely selfish reasons, I decided to write down all the things I AM doing now, that I know are good for the environment and my own well-being.

GOOD: I changed all the light bulbs in my house. That wasn't hard. I bought a whole box of them, and as soon as they started dying, I replaced them with the kind of bulb that Al Gore told me to buy.
AND THEN SOME: Of course, I then had to remember to put the dead light bulbs in the glass recycling bin. And put the cardboard cases that the light bulb came in, in the paper recycling bin.

GOOD: I made it a goal to eat vegan for the summer. I won't call it a diet, and I won't call it a full-time commitment. But I was so moved when I learned about the exploitation of animals within the meat industry, that adapting this lifestyle was a no-brainer. I guess you could call it a political move. I don't feel the need to rescue every animal and I'll never say, "I won't eat anything with a face." But I am strongly against the unethical treatment of living things.
AND THEN SOME: It ain't easy. First you decide to go vegan. Then you have to start learning about proteins. And enzymes. And B-12. And multi-vitamins. And the downsides to too much soy. And the downsides to too much salad and not enough beans. And then you have to explain all this to people, who over and over say to you, "But you're not getting any protein," as if a carnivorous diet is the most nourishing way to eat in the world. It's not like the meat and dairy I was eating before was that good for me.

GOOD: I recycle as much as I can now.
AND THEN SOME: But then you have to find room in your small apartment for all the different bins. And you have to keep track of the garbage collection schedule on your block. I had a landlady once who was so strict about recycling, she used to take apart her ball point pens, because each part belonged in a different bin, she told me.

GOOD: I always look for opportunities to say, "No thanks, I don't need a bag."
AND THEN SOME: I have got to start remembering to put those tote bags back in the car.

Oh, want to know the ending of the story?

I bought an orange pepper, non organic.
A bag of organic carrots.
One cucumber, non organic, but peeled the skin off.

And yes, I had to put all that and more in a plastic bag.

But that's OK.

I used it to clean out the litter.

Where Were You When: Michelle Obama at the DNC

Did you see that??

Were you watching??

That was the BEST potential-first-lady speech ever! She's as good as her husband in front of a microphone!

You could just feel that this was a special evening.

HISTORIC.

You could just feel that energy, that this is a momentous occasion in American history. How far we've come. How far.

It was such a touching speech. The stories she told and the way she told them were so human. She seems like a normal person. And so beautiful! She looked so glamorous. She spoke candidly, and intelligently, and down-to-earth. You can tell she and her husband have a strong partnership.

And those kids! This is going to be a fun 4 years if we have those two as first-daughters.

But my favorite part of the evening?...

Michelle didn't wear pearls!!

People: Phelps Motivational Quotes

“It’s been nothing but an upward rollercoaster,” Phelps said. “It’s been nothing but fun.”

----

“When someone says you can’t do something, it shows that anything is possible,” Phelps said. “When you put your mind to a certain thing, it can happen. The biggest thing is nothing is impossible. All it takes is an imagination.”

----

“I’m at a loss for words,” Phelps said.

They gave him another medal, cranked up a final “Star-Spangled Banner” and as he looked over at his mother and sisters in the crowd he finally did something new.

He broke down and cried.

----

"I'm having fun and I think that's really all that matters," he said. "You can do anything. I think one of the biggest things I've learned over the last four years is that anything is possible if you set your imagination.

"Whatever you dream of, you can do. For me, the sky's the limit. I have some pretty lofty dreams in my head and those goals are going to stay there until they are accomplished.

"It's not going to be easy getting there and there are going to be some bumps in the road ... I don't think it's going to be perfect but it's going to be fun over the next few years while I finish off my career."

----

Eight gold medals: it is no small achievement.

"Well, I guess I'm supposed to tell more about how it felt," he said later. "But what is there to say? It was fun."

Drawing: Ahead of the Pack

Great illustration by Patrick Moberg

News: Phelps Returns Home

From The Onion

ORLANDO—Fourteen-time Olympic gold medalist and SeaWorld main attraction Michael Phelps returned to his seven-million-gallon water tank Wednesday to resume his normal schedule of performing in six shows a day for marine park crowds every day of the week.

Where Were You When: Michael Phelps

I was at a dinner with some friends and strangers on the upper west side. I kept my eye on the clock, feeling no qualms about jumping up mid-sentence when the race was about to come on. My friend asked the bartenders if they would turn the volume on the TV up for us when the time came.

I knew that at 10:10 he would be on. I swear I had my eye on the TV the whole time from across the room. At what I swore was 10:09, I saw NBC had finally switched over to swimming and I yelled, "NOW!" and a group of us bolted to the other side of the room.

When we got there, it seemed like we were watching the whole thing in instant replay. Literally. It was so slow. "When are they going to start?" I asked. "Why are they showing another race?"
Then we realized, they weren't. Somewhere in the span of time it apparently takes to blink, I had missed the race! How could that be? How fast do these swimmers go??

Weirdly, I blamed it all on NBC. I was absolutely convinced for the rest of the night that NBC had erred, and had only begun airing the race halfway through it.

My male friend, who is as obsessed with Phelps as I am, (his "boy crush", he calls him), started getting texts from people asking if he had seen the race. I said, "Ask them if they are as pissed at NBC as I am. What kind of network are they? Don't they know the entire USA is watching now! How could they do this to us??"

I really don't know how I managed to keep this train of thought going. I don't think it was until much later that night, when I talked to my sister about the race, that I realized NBC had shown the whole thing. I was just late to the game.

I'm not a usual sports fan. I don't really understand innings, or meters, or bases loaded. Being this psyched about watching someone take a world record in the name of athleticism is new to me. The whole week I felt like walking around asking people, "Have you heard of this swimmer? Do you know how important this race is?? Are you getting this???"

I had no idea that other people in the world were as obsessed with this as I was. I had no idea who Michael Phelps was until I started googling him last week, only to find out he's already been in an Annie Liebowitz commercial (I had told someone that this would surely happen for him one day), only to find out he's already making millions in endorsements (I had told someone that he would certainly get an endorsement soon), only to find out he's already been on the covers of magazines and leads the top of many BEST ATHLETES IN THE WORLD lists.

I had no idea that the LIFE OF BEING A SPORTS FAN was this exciting!

The next day, Saturday, it felt like I had planned my whole day around this last race. I was counting down the hours. By 10PM, I was in front of that television, eyes glued forward. NO WAY was I going to miss this one.

The race started. I was alone in my apartment, in my pajamas, dusty from a day of cleaning and reorganizing my home. I didn't really know that the entire nation was also at the edge of their seat, crowds in the thousands, hundreds in the bars. I was just a girl, alone with her new found Fan status, totally and completely excited to see history making.

The moment Phelps took to the water, it was like watching magic. The glistening way he soared across the water, chopping through the liquid like a man with axes for hands. His body leaping over the T-mark like a fish hunting his prey. He pulled us back into first and that's when I jumped up.

The fourth guy jumped in, and now I was screaming, cheering for him like he was my best friend and he needed to hear my support. "GOOO! GOO!" I was shouting at the television. Anticipation tore threw me and I begged for victory!


AND HE DID IT!


The excitement from that moment buzzed through me and the energy from that accomplishment felt like it was ripping through the nation faster than our Internet connections.

The whole US of A wanted this, and we got it.

Time

Life: The Scavengers

Bar Birthdays.

They're all the rage.

They go a little something like this: The birthday kid (meaning, anyone turning 21 - 32) sends out an evite to 200 of their closest friends, asking them to meet up at a bar in the hopes that at least 30 of those evitees (along with 2-3 guests each) show up at said bar, somewhere between the hours of midnight and 2am, on their way home from the three other bar birthdays they were also attending that night. If you're the last party on the list, everyone will show up wasted and tired. If you're the first party on the list, everyone will stay for only an hour.

I hate these things. I love my friends. But the bar-birthday thing has got to go.

I tried it one year. I made the tragic mistake of only inviting people I actually liked. As far as party statistics go, only a certain percentage of the people you invite to your bar-birthday will actually show up. I was unaware of that at the time. So, let's just say it was a small gathering.

The key to a bar-birthday's success is to invite people you don't like and hope that people who show up are people you do not know. I did not realize this.

I do think though, that the bar-birthday thing starts to come to a halt as people get older. In fact, it seems like the older some of my friends get, the more their birthdays seem like throwbacks to old-school style parties. Like the kinds our parents used to throw for us in our backyards. I swear, if I get invited to an all-girls sleepover party soon, equipped with Corey Haim movies and a weegie board, I won't be surprised.

This year a friend of mine (who was turning older than 30) decided to forgo the bar-birthday and plan something more creative. He actually constructed a scavenger hunt around the city for his friends. About 20 of us came, and it was tons of fun. It was a great challenge, and we all had such an adrenaline rush from it. It actually felt like we were on a mini-adventure together and really there to celebrate something. It was a great day.

The word "scavenger" stayed in my mind for a while afterwords. I kept thinking about how interesting it was to spend 2 hours intensely and actively looking for things. How refreshing it felt to be so clear about our goals and unabashedly determined to meet them.

It got me thinking about other things we look for in life, consciously or not. And how different the experience of finding what you're looking is when you're intentionally seeking it out, versus just falling upon it by chance.

In a scavenger hunt, such as the one we were on, it's all about being entirely conscious, pro-active, and somewhat ballsy. Our tasks involved interacting with strangers, making fools of ourselves in public, and in some cases, nearly chasing people down the street in order to get them involved in our game. Most people were pleasant and eager to participate. When we walked up to someone with a smile on our face and an excited attitude, we were almost always greeted with a smile in return and a new person happy to get involved and help us out.

But that feeling of extreme motivation for the purpose of winning, achieving, and accumulating... was really powerful. And as each goal was crossed off our list, we felt a sense of victory.

Often in life, we look for excuses not to seek things out for ourselves. We tell ourselves not to speak up too loudly. We advise people not to seem so obvious about what they are after. We seem to take pride in being able to say, "It just fell into my lap!" or, "I wasn't even looking to meet someone!"

But we are scavengers more often than we realize.

We are scavengers for our jobs, our educations, and our homes. We seek out networking opportunities and educational advancements. We go apartment hunting, and then scavenge for new towels to match the wallpaper.

And of course, we are scavengers of love, looking for that special someone who is worth opening our heart to.

What I find so interesting, as I reflect, is how often I've been told, "It will come to you when you stop looking."

But you know what? I say to hell with the shame of actively looking. If you know what you're after, and you know what you want (in love, at work, in school), then don't be afraid to put your whole self into the process of seeking it out.

Keep your eyes open. Hunt. And when you find what you're looking for, go for it.

You may not get the response you were hoping for.

But with a smile like that, there is a really good chance you will.

Performance: UCB

Many months ago I went on a date with someone to see an improv show at Upright Citizen's Brigade. This particular gentleman had a personality that I would rate, on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the awesomest): zero. It was a weird position to be in, to be dating someone who was so cute, and so right on paper, but in real life contained no spark of a personality at all.

However. He could tell a joke like a mo-fo. That's why I kept going out with him. He kept me laughing the whole time! He just couldn't do anything else. I would ask him a question about his life, and he could barely answer me. Then minutes later, he would find a way to use a phrase or a word that I had used in my question as a catalyst for what I would call, "a bit". It was like dating a stand-up comedian ...who was on stage the entire time.

I gave it my all. I tried my best to get something "personal" out of him. One night I had the idea that we should go to The Upright Citizen's Brigade. Not sure where I had originally heard of this place, but I vaguely knew that Amy Poehler started it, and she's one of my idols. We got tickets to a show on a weeknight. In retrospect, I think it was their most famous show called, ASSCAT, which is a purely improv performance structured in the UCB style called, Harold. I thought if we went out on a date like this, where humor was at the forefront, it would encourage him to open up a little bit.

Well, the show was freakin' hysterical. Hilarious. One improv group after another kept us entertained the whole time. We laughed and laughed. When it was over I asked him if he would ever be willing to try such a thing. He said he definitely would. I said I didn't think I could ever do it. It wasn't really for me. It would be too terrifying, I said.

I went out with him one more time before calling it quits. The show was a good idea for a date night, but alas, he never did come out of his shell. I had to let it go before he started charging me a two drink minimum and a cover charge. But the memory of that performance stuck in my head.

This summer I decided that I wanted to take a class at UCB. I'm not sure what provoked that, it just suddenly felt like the right thing to do. I signed up for one of their intensives, which meant all day, every day for a whole week. 6 hours straight of improv class.

And, yes.
It was
the scariest
thing
I have
ever done.

Except for that one time I took trapeze lessons. The only difference between that and this was I wasn't a gazillion feet off the ground while I was doing it. The downside of that? No net. Metaphorical or otherwise.

It is TERRIFYING to get up in front of a group of strangers, with a partner you don't know, and to build together an entire scene based off of one word that is given to you, AND to make it funny.

I swear I had a stomach ache for the first three days. I felt nauseous. I didn't want to go back to class. I was absolutely certain that this thing called improv was not for me. And similar to that feeling I had when I was standing 30 feet off the ground, staring down at the cement ground below me, reaching for the bar, I had the thought, "What the hell did I just sign up for??"

But, I'm a determined little lass. And I work hard for my money. So if I spent a few hundred dollars on a week-long improv class, darn it, I was going to finish that week.

Plus, I learned a mantra this summer that really struck a chord with me:

Try something once to get over your fear of it.
Try it a second time to learn how to do it.
Then try it a third time to decide if you like it.

I would just like to note here, that I DID do the trapeze three times. And no, I did not like it.

But. By the third day of improv class, something clicked. And wow, suddenly I was INTO IT. All of a sudden I got the challenge of it, and I felt like I did have it in me after all. Once that happened, I started learning so much, so quickly. It was intense.

I realized that standing against the wall and waiting to jump into a scene is WAY scarier than actually being in a scene. So I started to jump in more.

I learned that the feeling of coming up with a great line after a scene is over and you missed your chance, is way more frustrating than being in a scene and not having anything to say. So I started to speak up more.

I learned that if you are in a scene that is sucking so bad, or if you are in a scene that is totally magical, either way, once it's over, it's over. And you can reflect on it all you want, but mostly you just have to move forward and let it go.

As the week went on, more and more good stuff started coming out of me. I started picturing people I knew in my life, and playing them as characters. I took it seriously when our teacher would tell us to, "Play to the top of your intelligence," which meant USE WHAT YOU KNOW. When you internalize that, suddenly it doesn't feel like you're going into a scene with nothing to say. We've all got a lifetime of things to say!

I got what they meant when they would tell us to use, "YES, AND" in our conversations as a way of building off of one another, supporting one another, and developing the scene.

I loved the notion that we were in each scene to, FIND THE GAME. Once we knew what the game was, we would play to it, explore it, exaggerate it. That's when the magic happened.

And mostly I loved what it meant to BE TRUTHFUL in every scene. Our teacher explained, the truth will lead to comedy (as opposed to just, "going for the joke", which always falls flat).

If we were ever stuck, he'd whisper from the sidelines, "What do you really want to say to this person?" And that was such a revelation. Such a grand experience. To say what you really want to say to a scene partner, as opposed to regurgitating what you think you should say or what you think will sound good --- is an awesome, truthful experience.

I learned so much from this. So much of it can be applied to life off the stage.

Then, as a culmination of our experience, we got the opportunity to perform for an audience on the actual UCB stage. The same stage where my comedic heroes have stood. The same stage that I sat facing many months ago, asserting I could never do something like that.

Hey, guess what?
I did it.

And it was awesome.

Life: Ammah, the hugging saint

This must be the summer of the retreat. I've already had a series of seriously intense adventures this season, that have rocked my world. Each one of them. I'll write about more of them here.

I wrote about the yoga one already, right? Yeah. That stuck with me. Still is a big part of my life. I spend most of my week in downward dog now and it's been awesome. It's introduced me to a whole new community where I live, and exposed me to some great new outlooks on life, and stuff. I feel pretty good with it, at it, in it. I think it's a good fit for me. And, I love my new yoga mat which I got at Jumakti in Union Square.

By the way, after my class one afternoon at Jumakti, I took my teacher's suggestion to heart, and went to see Ammah (spelling?), the hugging saint (accurate?) who was visiting our lovely city. I was really blown away by that. Not so much by the woman herself, but by the experience.

I don't know what I was expecting. It was nearly 10PM, and I knew I had a train to catch, so I didn't plan to stay that long. I figured I'd jump in, get my hug, and skip out of there. But when I arrived, the first thing I noticed was how commercialized the whole thing was! Ammah (which means, mother) was on a stage, with a long, long line of people waiting to receive their hug from her. But before you could even reach the stage, you had to pass by tables and tables of ridiculous product placements with her face on it. Buy Ammah on your dish towel! Your ashtray! Your boxers! OK, OK, maybe not that bad. But still, for a super spiritual experience, I was really surprised to see it so object-oriented.

I nearly figured out a way to skip the line and jump right on stage, but then I felt guilty. There were so many little Indian women with bowls of rose petals on their laps, waiting patiently for their hug. I watched on the jumbo-tron screen above my head as Ammah embraced person after person, their faces nuzzled into her bosom, their heads then bent in grateful prayer.

I asked one of the helpers what it would take to wait in line. She told me that most people got here very early to receive their ticket (like, 9AM early). But if I was willing to wait another 5 hours, I could get a hug too.

Wow.

For a hug?

Maybe it's the practical Jew in me, but all I could think was, "People! If you want a hug so bad, I'll give you one! For free!"

But, I get it. I get it. She's special. And super holy. And has a lifetime of miracles to back her up. Me, I've got a BFA and a Honda.

Tough call, I know.

Food: Veganomicon

Veganomican is the funnest cookbook!

I don't know, maybe it's just my fascination with all things vegan now, but I can't remember the last time I ever felt this overjoyed about receiving a cookbook on my doorstep.

But this works for me! This is sooo interesting, and there's logic to it. And there's purpose. And it feels all at once global and personal.

So far, I've made the jelly donut vegan cupcakes for my students. I was so excited to make them, and did so the very day I got the cookbook. I was so excited that I had students in my midst this summer to experiment on. They were fun desserts to make. And I felt so adult-like because I had all the ingredients at home already. That's what happens after years of baking one-shot-deals and wondering what I would ever do again with baking powder. Well, that night everything was used again, and it felt great.

The kids really loved them. I will admit, I, and my co-teacher, both agreed that they are kinda, sorta, an acquired taste. I mean, I didn't use white flour (whole wheat) and I didn't use frosting (strawberry jelly).... and that's kinda the whole point of cupcakes, right? Gooeyness! Moistness! Sweetness! These didn't really have that. But they also don't have the guilt either that pink-n-white cupcakes usually leave behind after you've eaten (5 or 6) of them.

Then last night, for our one-day-early July 4th (3rd) party, I made my first vegan feast! It was sooo fun, and sooooo delicious. Many recipes came from the cookbook. NO animals were harmed or digested in the process. Except for the kitten, who did not get to lick the olive oil out of the bowl despite her protests.

The hit-list included:

those vegetarian stuffed mushrooms
http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,171,150172-250192,00.html
review: totally delicious and moist and crunchy and exciting to eat

those chic pea cutlets
http://www.chow.com/recipes/11364
review: awesome. fulfilling. perfect with the mustard sauce they recommend.

those zucchini pieces
http://theppk.com/recipes/dbrecipes/index.php?RecipeID=94
review: way too delicious and almost sweet.

that cucumber salad
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/CUCUMBER-MUSTARD-AND-DILL-SALAD-230740
review: perfect. i love this.

And finally, my NEW cookbook:
http://www.theppk.com/nomicon.html
get yourself one!

Singer: Ben Sollee

Absolutely beautiful.
New discovery: Ben Sollee
His version of, "A Change Is Gonna Come"
Listen: mp3
Bookmark for more: website

Lyrics

Well, it's dark in the city
I've lost my pride
The lights in the streets hide the stars from my eyes
It's been a long, long time coming
But I know
That change is gonna come

And it's too hard living
But I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there
Just beyond the sky

It's been a long, long time coming
But I know
That change is gonna come

And I miss my family
My little girl
She is my princess
I'd give her the world

It's been a long, long time coming
But I know
That change is gonna come

I just need some comfort
Some kind of belief
that this war we're fighting
can really bring some peace

There's no rhyme or reason
Or sweet melody
More and more weapons
mean less security

It's been a long, long time coming
But I know
That change is gonna come

And I tried to find it
Some better place
Where having the biggest gun
is some kind of race

It's been a long, long time coming
But I know
That change is gonna come

There's been times I thought
I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able
To carry on

It's been a long, long time coming
But I know
That change is gonna come

It's been a long, long time coming
But I know
That change is gonna come

Yes a change is gonna come

Life: Lists

5 books that mean a lot to me:
The Time Traveler’s Wife
One Morning In Maine
Man Walks Into A Room
Diane Arbus, Untitled
Italian/English Dictionary

5 things you like doing:
Taking a good dance class that makes you forget what time it is.
Building something new.
Talking to a kid.
Eating pizza.
Reading a letter you didn't expect to receive.

3 things you would never wear again
Jellies
Blazer with shoulder pads
A t-shirt that says, STAFF on the back

4 favorite toys:
GPS
Magic markers
Tap shoes
HTML

2 Things I cannot do:
I cannot dive
I cannot decipher between East or West

2 Things I do not want to do:
I do not want to bungee jump
I do not want to be a waitress

Movies: Quick Reviews

** The Kite Runner
I liked this in the beginning. Then I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up it was still playing so I started watching it again. That was kind of cool, the end of the movie. But mostly, I didn't really think it was that great. And no, I did not read the book. But I'm told it kind of flows the same way. Did you hear that the kid who stars in the movie had to leave his country after he made it?

***** Sex and the City
I dove into this movie like a kid on a roller coaster. I knew it would go up, down, and round and round. I knew how I would feel the whole time. But I paid my entrance fee and begged for a ride. And I got my ride. I loved, loved, loved this movie. I agree with what Oprah said. If you like the TV series, then this movie will give you everything you want.

**** Ira & Abby
Neurotic new york love is not uncomical, proves this little movie. I'm head over heels for this actress anyway, so I'd see anything she did/wrote/produced. It's an innocent, funny, happy film.

**** Lars and The Real Girl
Brilliance. I'd see it again. You should see it, if you haven't. Gosling puts the HIT in the SHIT.

***** Once
Brilliance. I can't sit through it again. Too emotional. It is LOVE at volume 10. You should see it, if you haven't.

***** The Savages
Brilliance. Everyone said this movie was depressing. I thought it was uplifting. I loved every second of it. I loved the characters, and the dialogue, and the context, and the catastrophe, and the drama, and the softness of the whole film. It looked and sounded beautiful. But it's not for everyone.

Life: learn

I am taking an intensive improv class this summer in the city. And by intensive I mean, not unintensive.

Websites: Blog This

Common get-to-know-you questions used to include, "What kind of music do you like?" or "What are your favorite movies?" They still show up time to time, but everyone knows by now it's a cliche conversation starter.

When I was a teenager and someone asked me what kind of music I liked, I remember knowing that how I answered that question inadvertently let people know who I am. They didn't really want music recommendations, they just wanted to make sure I liked the right music.

One day, mid teen-angst, I realized the trick to that question was, "Oh, I don't know, I really like everything." And then a quick, "Except country, of course." But that answer seemed kind of false in the 80's, because "everything" was hard to come by. We listened to what WPLJ and Z100 told us to listen to. Or whatever we found in our parent's music collection (Jim Morrison and Carly Simon and The Roaches). But it was a bit hard to expand beyond that.

Nowadays though, we really can say everything. In fact, nowadays, I find it really hard to say anything but everything. In the past week I've listened to a bazillion 30-second song clips by unsigned/unlabeled bands whose t-shirts I'm more familiar with than their guitar player's name. That's just the way things are now with music. We really do listen to "everything".

Now a new question I get asked is, "So what blogs do you read?" And wouldn't you know it, the answer to that also implies some sort of personality assessment. It's an interesting question, and rarely do I find two people who say the same thing. People get nervous answering it, too. I can tell by their face that they want to say something that sounds smart or hip.

So, I decided to write a little post about the blogs I frequent, for better or worse.


The Animated Life - Jeff Scher
http://scher.blogs.nytimes.com/
This is one of the NYT's bloggers. He's an animator and does marvelous work. I like how his blog isn't only a place to post the wonderful projects he creates, but that he writes about why he makes them. It gives his work context. He writes well, and briefly, and as an artist I always walk away (or, surf away) from his blog feeling like I got something out of it.


College Humor Videos
http://www.collegehumor.com/
I know, I know. I'm way too old to be reading this. OR, am I? I have a thing for short-attention span, really funny, creative, ridiculous, (emphasis on the creative), internet videos. I just think there's an art to it. I don't actually read this whole website, most of it I find stoopid. But I did set up my igoogle account to subscribe to their College Humor videos. Most of which, I am not ashamed to admit, I really get a kick out of.
Recent Examples:
The Yoga Class (funny!)
Wall Animation (stunning and beautiful)


Kimberlee's Video Blogs
http://www.crucialminutiae.com/?author=10
I like this girl. She does good blog. I've read her book, too. Her blog is called, "Therapy Thursdays" and every Thursday she posts a little video blog for her readers. They are usually therapy-centric musings, outlooks on life, things she thinks about. She has this delicate way of speaking that I can relate to, and I always listen to what she says thoughtfully.

Davey Dance Blog
http://fishel.tumblr.com/
I've already written about this guy, but I'm going to add it to the list in case you didn't hear me the first time. He's great! He dances around the world to appropriately chosen music that subtly matches the history of the place he's in. He said in an interview recently that there are many components to this project. The main, obvious experience is that the videos posted on the Internet are available for anyone to see. But the other experience happening is with the people who walk by him while he's dancing. He has headphones on, so no one hears the music. They just see him dancing. He said NYC people are the most oblivious to it. But if you watch his most recent video blog, it's really fun to watch the people watching him.


Diary of a Disillusioned Dater
http://diaryofadisillusioneddater.blogspot.com/
This is one of the funniest blog writers I have found in a while. Most "dating blogs" are written by women. Lots of them Jewish. Lots of them in NYC. I've been waiting to find a guy online who can dish it out just as well. Better even. It's not just that his stories about his dating life are honest, sincere, and slightly vulnerable. But they are written SO well. And they are SO funny. I've been reading them out loud to a woman I work with. She and I were laughing so hard I could barely get through it.

Skip to his best ones:
Going Halfsies
The Height of Stupidity
The Drive By

Jake and Amir
http://www.jakeandamir.com/
I already told you about them. They make me laugh, laugh, laugh. I think that's what I look for most in a blog. Funny is the new smart.

Video: Do It Again

Online: Music

Remember how Napster totally changed our lives once upon a time ago? Even my mom got into it. She and my sister were stealing music long before I stopped waxing poetic about online ethics. Then I lost my steam, and got on the bandwagon.

Then I stopped. Because after a while, it started to make me feel icky. I admit, I don't really do the mp3player thing. Not into itunes at all, don't have time during the day to walk around with earplugs. But I still really, really like finding new music. And now the music industry has changed so much that it seems musicians are into sharing their music for free a little bit more than they were before. You've heard about the whole Radiohead thing, haven't you? Where they released their new album and told their fans, "pay what you think it's worth to you." Really! It was quite revolutionary. Or, even if it wasn't, it at least garnered tons of press.

But all that means is that there is a lot more free stuff out there, and I don't have to feel guilty about downloading anymore. I get a lot of new music from blogs. But recently I discovered this awesome website that will do all the searching for you, so you don't have to sort through a billion blogs yourself.

Here it is: http://elbo.ws/posts/
Type the song you want into the search box, and it will deliver results containing all blogs that have the mp3 posted, all blogs that talk about the music, and more relevant info. It's really cool and such a great resource. And they've led me to some really obscure stuff!

Also, another revolution to hit the net is this: http://muxtape.com/
The premise is that you can build your own mix tape (like we used to do with cassettes). Only 10 songs allowed I believe. And it's a FAST upload, I can tell you that. Awsomeness. Share your muxtape with your friends, or whomever, and enjoy. Keep it open in another window, and the whole playlist will just stream for you. On the homepage of muxtape.com are all the playlists you should check out today. I think the list changes. Here's my playlist: http://ihavetotellyou.muxtape.com/

Listen and enjoy.
I'll leave the link up on the right sidebar of this blog.

Funnyness: Jake and Amir

I cannot emphasize enough how enthusiastic I am about Jake and Amir. I've been wanting to write about this comedic discovery, but I guess I was too busy laughing and forwarding their videos to my sister.

J + A are two guys who work for CollegeHumor.com and are, in a plural word, comedians. They write, act, direct, edit, produce, and so on.

They started putting these little videos together called, "Jake and Amir" in which they play characters with the same names, and with everything or nothing to do at all with their own personalities. I think that's the whole point. You want to believe they are playing themselves, but it's pretty safe to say these characters are more of a conglomerate of many personality types. Particularly the insecure ones.

But I am so over analyzing this. Forgive me, it's just hard to explain their shtick to you. It speaks better for itself, on it's own terms. So I shall give you a tour.

First, you'll want to check out the Jake and Amir homepage, and watch "the best of the best". The top videos. This will give you a great sense of what we're dealing with here.
http://www.jakeandamir.com/post/2336490

If you're a vimeo fan, then subscribe to their channels, so you'll always be alerted to new stuff.
Amir: http://www.vimeo.com/Amir
Jake: http://www.vimeo.com/jakeh

Past that, just keep your eyes and ears open, because these boys are going to do very well for themselves. What makes me so happy, is this stuff just keeps coming out of them. I really liked Clark and Michael, a LOT, and it was too bad that it ended. But this new duo just keeps on producing. It's like their brains can't stop. I like people whose brains can't stop.

I showed it to a friend of mine, and he said he thought Jake had it harder than Amir, as an actor. Because Amir gets to be a lunatic and bust out with whatever comes to mind, but the Jake character has to stay composed. And, he has to stay on his toes to catch anything that Amir throws at him. Actually, I've always thought the Amir character reminds me of a girl version of Trudy Weigel on Reno 911.

What I'd really like to say is, at the end of a long day, to come home and see my little igoogle app alerting me to a newly posted Jake + Amir video, is one of the highlights of my virtual day. I freaking love their shit. They're hysterical, adorable, they make me laugh, and plus I feel inspired to do more of my own stuff.

So, if you boys google yourselves, and find this, THANKS for the laughs.

Language: Quote Unquote

I was sitting in traffic this morning. I looked out the car window and saw a large banner for this west side establishment. Nekkid girlies, basically.

But what struck me was the liberal use of quotes. "Beautiful Entertainers" and "Unforgettable" and no quotal attribution! WHO said this?? If you put something in quotes, it's either because someone said it, OR, you're being ironic.

So, was it some dude who mumbled into his beer one night, "unforgettable", after his $20 lap dance was over, and the bartender heard it, and told it to the guy who does their marketing, and the guy was like, "That's it! We'll put it on a banner!"

Or, are they mocking themselves, and the quotes are more like a *wink wink* to passing patrons. Yeah right we're unforgettable. Surrrrrre they're beautiful.

Life: Gaming

Went to a very large education conference this week. Took in a lecture about Gaming and Education. Wrote notes really quickly in a free notebook I got from one of the zillion vendors who were there trying to sell me things I didn't need.

Here are my notes:

Kids produce today (music, videos, blogs), not because they aspire to be next great filmmaker or composer, but because media-modules are a form of CURRENCY within their social network.

My thoughts: This concept stayed with me for a long time, and I kept thinking about how interesting that is! And true. Kids want a certain # of myspace friends, a certain # of youtube appearances, a certain # of AIM buddies. None of that really has anything to do with anything resembling real friendships, or real budding acting careers. They know that. What they want is volume. In my days, our currency was stickers. We traded, hoarded, invested in the big ones, gave away the smelly ones. Until money starts to mean something to these kids, one cent is as valuable as one thousand dollars. Either way, they know they're getting fed tonight. BUT. Getting to the next level on the new Wii game, that gives them value in their social network.

Kids today, through gaming, learn on a NEED TO KNOW basis.

New term: GAMING LITERACY
This does not mean "let's play a specific game to learn our multiplication tables", but the understanding that Gaming is a MODEL FOR THINKING.

Gamers look for a visual representation of an underlying system.
They question: What do I need to know now in order to succeed later?

COLLABORATIVE GAMING: Recruit people who have certain skills, combine those skills to conquer the game. Gamers organically figure things out as they go along. Gamers know they need to communicate with one another in order to succeed. In recent studies, grad students are more likely to huddle by themselves and hide their research from others for longer periods of time. Middle school kids thrive on the collaboration, practically sitting in each other's laps sharing information in real time. That is a SHIFT in learning styles.

Gamers care little about visuals (design) and more so they look for DATA. They seek and desire DATA at all times in order to see how they are doing. When designing games, EMBED ASSESSMENT. Don't just tack it on at the end.

Gamers are now using the BODY as well as the MIND (Wii)

Instead of being the GAME PLAYERS, we should encourage kids to start being the GAME DESIGNERS. It requires them to think about content, and about something.

When designing games, don't put too much pressure on the game itself. Games are really about creating an EXPERIENCE for people. HOW are your players going to learn?

Site to check out: www.gamestarmechanic.com

In a recent study watching the way kids design games, kids produced DENSE NARRATIVES for their games, which came as a surprise to the experts. Kids with learning disabilities, who were normally hesitant about writing, were very driven and successful in this experience.

---> !!! The GIRLS were deeply invested in the physical space they would be playing in, and spend tons of time DESIGNING THE SPACE before they even began to play. The BOYS quickly filled the whole space with enemies, pressed play, and then realized they didn't have a game. So they had to go back and revise.

Look into beta: M.I.L.K.
Mobile Informal Learning Tool
Kids designing games solely for cell phones. Encourages turning any space into a gaming space.

As a game designer, kids learn to anticipate their player's moves. You have to figure out WHY someone would want to play your game.

In order to be a game designer, a kid has to:
-- have a theory
-- test it
-- get reviews
-- revise

Kids are very excited about building FOR EACH OTHER.

Travel: Where I Was...

Product: Lamp

I really want this!!

I "need" a blue lamp shade for this lone lamp stand I have, that I want to put on this little desk that would get a lot more use if it had a light on it. But then I found this lamp, and I think... no, wait, I'm certain.... it would make me a fully satisfied human being in all aspects.

It's by Lite Source, Inc.

Available now on amazon.

(Hint Hint: Someone has a birthday coming up in 8 months!)

Singer: Vandaveer

I am loving ALL things Vandaveer right now. First I found this one song, and then I found all the rest of his songs (and this all happened because I discovered the wonderful world of music blogs!) (Never listen to the same song twice again!) (Unless, of course, it's Vandaveer, and you must, must, must listen to this song (below) over and over and over.)

Absolute Favorite Song Of The Day, And Then Some:
"However Many Takes It Takes" by Vandaveer

Listen here

Lyrics:

We're swimming in the deep end
I find out where your faith begins
You're waiting for an answer that's acceptable

The current sweeps you out to sea
And it keeps you guessing helplessly
You're praying for a savior who's exceptional
Someone who'll lift you from your knees
And save you, and hand you the keys
And offer you the kingdom of your dreams

But nothing's ever as it seems
You find yourself further down stream
Alone, save for the echoes of your screams
Ah, honey, fairy tales are prone to tease

Well candles burn you warm and safe
You lock your door and control your space
And curtains drawn, you think that you're impenetrable
But demons they don't live outside
They burrow deep where they can hide
Inside a safe, you will still feel vulnerable
You draw a bath and pour some wine
You drink yourself into another time
Where you feel truly free
The water's rising overhead
And you wake to find yourself in bed
You're gasping, for a breath that's hard to breathe
Ahh, honey, dreams are rarely what they seem

Oh, how, ever, many takes, it takes

Well, step outside into the sun
Let it dry your eyes and run around
Feel the warmth underneath your skin
The clouds will soon move in again
You can't expect to always win
You got to, take it as it comes

The marching bands and beating drums
Play familiar songs for the alum
We all got scars, but we don't like to show them
Sometimes it's better to be strong
We all got to be moving on
You got to walk a million miles
Ahh, honey, go walk them with a smile.

Oh, how, ever, many takes, it takes.

Video: Valentine's Day Video

Quote: Really?

"The latest research shows that we're surprisingly bad at predicting what will make us happy."

Website: Davey Dance

now this. THIS. is brilliant.


Davey Dance-BLOG. A project started while traveling Europe during Spring 2007. Armed only with an ipod and a Canon PowerShot, Davey picks a location and a pop song. Then Davey records an improvised dance.

Keep in mind, he's listening to the music on his ipod as he dances. So everyone walking around him doesn't hear a thing. Lucky he's a good dancer!!

The best ones are here:

Germany
New York City @ Christmas (my favorite)
The subway
Brooklyn Bridge
Florence
Pisa

And this was his first one (using Tom Waits at the Vatican)

Video: The Rainbow Chasers

The Rainbow Chasers from Erin Wallace on Vimeo.

Song: I Feel It All, by Feist

Is this going to be Feist's thing?

As in, will her music videos consistantly involve her dancing around like a 6-year old in front of highly complex choreography (by people, fireballs, or otherwise) all orchestrated to fit into one single take?

If it is, that's so very cool by me. I'm just a little bummed because that was MY plan for rock stardom. [pause. glance into the camera with a shrug.] Well, you know what they say. If you have an idea and you don't grab on it, it's someone else's for the taking.

PLAY: Video for Feist's new song, "I Feel It All".

And I forgive her.

Art: Private

Art: Hands

News: Dr. Phil

Typo! Typo in the New York Times!! And I found it!

Should it have been: Do you like your therapist?
Or, should it have been: Do you lie to your therapist?
Is the word like spelled wrong, or is the word to inserted by mistake?

Good questions. But I'm sorry, our time is up for today.

Book: Blue Pills: A Positive Love Story

This book was beautiful.

I've been looking for a good opportunity to foray into the graphic novel genre. I didn't want to choose something "just because" it had pictures. And in the past, graphic novels haven't really done it for me. They should. Know me, and you'd know they should. But they just haven't.

Maybe it's because, and I'm just pontificating here, the story lines are somewhat unemotional. Correct me if I'm wrong, but tons of these (let's abbreviate here) G.N.'s are written by men, with these hard-to-grasp, somewhat unemotional concepts. They're more like adventures. Or something. It's like, it takes so long to get to the meat of the story, and there's always so much in-between stuff happening. And it makes it hard for me to concentrate. And sometimes, I'm not sure what I should be concentrating on. The story? The pictures? It's not the type of book I really know how to read. Because the thing is, I really like words, and I really like pictures. Separately. But together? It's like listening to an amazing singer singing with an amazing guitarist, at the same time, each at the same volume. It's hard to know what to focus on. Well, anyway. That's been my experience. Mostly, I haven't liked the stories.

But I was in the neighborhood bookstore, waiting for something to grab me. This book was misplaced, left out on a shelf, not quite fitting in with anything else. It should have been with the Valentine's Day book display up front, but I guess people don't really consider AIDS stories a romantic gesture.

But really, this is a love story. A total package love story. It's about a young man, who meets a young woman, and they're both pretty awesome people. And she has a kid. And she is divorced. And she is HIV positive. And so is her little boy.

So, what's a man to do?

This is their love story (and a true story!) and it's just beautiful, and mesmerizing, and sensitive, and vulnerable. Yes, the story is vulnerable. Always on the verge of falling into tears, or self-defeating, or missing out on it's own chance for happiness.

But it doesn't. And that's not giving anything away. The book is called A Positive Love Story, which of course, is really what caught my eye. How can something so sad be so utterly uplifting?

Also, I found it warmly inspiring, artistically.



[The author is Frederik Peeters, and is considered one of Europe's up and coming illustrators. Blue Pills was previously published in Europe, where it won the Premios La Carcel de Papel in Spain and the Polish Jury Prize at Angouleme. It has sold over 20,000 copies in its original French edition, and now Houghton Mifflin is publishing it in the United States. -- source]

Art: Words

Video: Leo's Song

Leo's Song from impactist on Vimeo.

Art: Flower

“A person asked a rabbi why the truth was written on our hearts, he said so that when our heart breaks, the truth can fall in … since there is no more fertile a place than inside a broken heart.”

Art: Colors

"A ship in the harbor is safe.

But that is not what ships were made for."

Art: Colors

"Sometimes I wish a million things were different.

But then I wish those million things, weren't things I wished for."

Art: Pattern

Art: Connected

Art: Doodle

A doodle is usually something you draw without thinking or planning. It just sort of happens. People always say, "I don't know what to draw," but no one really says, "I don't know what to doodle." There's a routine to it, for most of us. Maybe you always draw boxes. Maybe it's eyes. Maybe its letters of the alphabet. Mostly the doodle happens when you're thinking about other things, or talking on the phone, or waiting for a file to download. Your hand reaches for a pen and paper and the next thing you know, images start to appear. And sometimes you look down and exclaim, "Oh my goodness, what did I just draw?"